Báidín Fheilimí

For some reason I’ve been struck with a maudlin yearning to hear schoolchildren singing Báidín Fheilimí as I remember from my childhood. It’s a great little tune and still taught in kindergarten all over Ireland. This is the only version I could find but it’s better than nothing.Báidín Fheilimí 

It’s all about Fheilimí’s little boat sinking with him and his fish. Too bad for poor Fheilimí but at least we got a nice little song out of it.



A mugful of Irony

An Irishman moves to Germany, a country famed for exceedingly cheap, excellent beer  – then discovers he is gluten intolerant and can’t drink any of it.

So he looks for some crappy (rice) beer he  can actually drink and finds the only auslander beer in the shop is some disgusting Irish piss lager with a name in the vein of  Begorrah Leprechaun MacO’Paddy.

Ireland is brilliant at making stout but they don’t have a fucking clue about lager- to paraphrase Carlsberg: “the worst lager in the world -probably”.

Satre was wrong, Hell is not other people, hell is a beer lover surrounded by beer he can’t drink  (ok, possibly an alcoholic).

-as the bloke in the Murphy’s ad say’s “I’m not bitter.”


the hell I’m not!

Sour Cream

Fajitas for dinner -yum!

Now  – if you went into a shop and bought sour cream you would be pretty confident you would actually have some nice, tasty sour cream to put on your fajitas when you sat down to dinner, right? Well that’s where you’d be wrong mein kleine Pendejo. You would actually have some kind of plasticky gloop to put on them.

My son’s favourite excuse is: “when I said yes, I actually meant no“.  Well this is a bit like that: It says sour cream but it’s not actually sour cream. You put Schmand on fajitas. Pendejo.

Dammit, this is really important. We’re in Germany right? someone should make a law against sour cream impersonation.

I don’t know what this is. I think it’s supposed to be a fajita or a burrito, but it looks like something the dog’s brought up -looks like German sour cream on top too…

Fisherman’s Friends

[tube] Os7RV5N9VLs [/tube]

Ok, I speak as much German as the Banjo picking boy from Deliverance but nevertheless a metamorphis of sorts has begun: I sucked a Fisherman’s Friend today and I didn’t even have a cold.

I just re-read that sentence and realised it sounds like a gay euphimism. Granted, this particular Fisherman’s Friend was tropical fruit not the traditional disgusting flavour – this is getting worse, yes, I sucked a fruity fishermans friend. Anyway, there are about fifty million different flavours of these here and they are sold beside the checkout in racks beside the cigarettes. I don’t even know if Germs use them for phlegm and catarrh but they definitely eat them like sweets.

In the UK  you see these pastilles, ignored and dusty, in a dark little corner of the chemists but here they are given pride of place by the supermarket checkout -what a difference- the packages are even dressed up in bright and merry pastel colours – well there is still the drawing of a sinking fishing trawler but at least the background colours are merry.



Sie and Du -yet again!

On the basis of my extremely rigorous and statistically valid study (ok, two people) the consensus seems to be that the best reason NOT to get rid of Sie from the German language (like that’s an option!) and not using first names when you first meet someone is because it can be useful in case you wish to disagree or confront them in an unfriendly manner at some point in the future. e.g. a mechanic who has broken your car instead of fixing it, or a politician breaking a promise -yes, yes, I know – that never happens….

You can then say things like Sie ist ein Fucking Kakakopf or something like that. Now, I realise I am pretty much totally ignorant about these things but I am guessing that if you say Du ist ein fucking kakakopf to a German it has pretty much the same effect as saying Sie ist ein fucking kakakopf, right?

Click here for some examples of phrases you can use to start an argument in German.

In English, first names or formal titles have absolutely no bearing on the things you can say  to argue or disagree with someone. Yes, there is a need to keep a symbolic formal distance in some circumstances e.g. parent / teacher and patient/doctor, but this can be achieved on the basis of Mr. Mrs, Dr. etc.surname. There is no need to complicate it any further. Next argument for keeping Sie?

I would like to acknowledge my children’s invaluable advice on the difference between poohead and shithead.